A few good men

Friday 30 August 2019

Our regular patrons settle in for a leisurely breakfast on the verandah. We see them often, we serve them breakfast every week. Today is different. They have a young woman with them. Strikingly beautiful. It’s a happy occasion. They all pose together, we take photos. They are discussing her comeback fight. She’s a world champion boxer. She is Baby Lee.

A few hours later she was dead.

A few days later Uyinene’s body was found.

A day later Angelique gave up her fight.

East London is a small place. Everyone is somehow connected, everyone is family. East London and our country are shattered. Gender based violence is nothing new. It’s probably no more prevalent now than it was a year ago. But this time we feel it more than ever. It is too close to home. Everyone asks how they can help, how they can make a difference. No answer, no solution. The task at hand seems just too big.

BUT.

Gather the good men. There’s hope.

Wednesday 11 Sept 2019

The Character Company, a mentorship programme for boys, arrive in East London. We are privileged to welcome Jaco and Thando to the same coffee bar for a quick meeting before they set off to Chintsa where they are working with Lou on her mentorship program for boys at African Angels.

A few good men gather around a table and talk. They talk about how 67% of all kids come from single parent homes. No dad. Of the other 33% a big percentage of fathers are absent. There, but not. So while some boys have no father figure at all, other boys are taught by their absent father that they are not worthy of their time. And that is where it all starts. Had Baby Lee’s boyfriend been mentored by a good man from when he was five years old, she may have entered that ring for her comeback fight. Had a post office worker been taught the *five values, a bright young student would have come back to her hometown for the holidays. Had Angie’s husband been shown from a young age how a good man behaves, she would have been with her 5 year old boy right now.
It takes one good man.

In the past week or so us girls too have had many discussions around gender based violence. You can guess, I’m sure, because you’ve probably had the same discussions in your circle. Each and every one of us had a story to tell about how it’s happened to us. Each. One. Of. Us. To some it happened more than 30 years ago, some very recent. All the same, the memory, the details, everything, imprinted as if it was yesterday.
So we too have asked what we can do?
Yes moms, we can raise our sons to be good men. We can support our husbands in their role as dad and mentor for our own boys.
But what about the other boys.
Those boys who are not our problem right now, but who will become our problem when they come into contact with our daughters.
Are we helping them?

There’s the schoolboy who lives a few blocks from us. I saw his door. Full of holes. The boy punches the door when he’s angry. Mom told him to take out his frustrations on his own door. I know there’s a cry for help. What am I doing about it?
The grade 4 boy who told my son that he watches porn, and then no sooner explained to him what porn is. I think I’ve done all the right things with my own boy to explain and guide him through this, but what about the other boy?
The 13 year old boy who told my daughter in a whatsapp to f*** off. “But mom he’s a nice boy, he just snapped”. I have taught her that she should never tolerate behaviour like that towards her. But what about the boy who ‘just snapped’
The guy who uninvitedly grabs your bum. Do you turn around and let him know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable? Or do you giggle politely because he’s a friend? Or a friend’s husband?
The guy who says something wildly inappropriate to you out of your husband’s earshot… Do you just take it or do you make sure he never tries something like that again?

Girls, there’s a lot we too can do to help.

But first and foremost for now, guys, this one is on you. We need you to stand up for us. We need you to be the unpopular one in the locker room. The one who will not tolerate crude and degrading jokes about women. We need you to call out the guys who post the vulgar degrading gifs on your whatsapp groups. The ‘innocent’ jokes and videos that desensitize our society to GBV. We can silent protest and wear black till eternity, but what we need is action. Speak once, do twice. Help that boy, guide that teenager, correct that friend.
It takes one good man.

*The 5 Values taught by The Character Company

• Respect
• Honesty
• Self-discipline
• Courage
• Kindness

If you would like to be kept in the loop about partnering with The Character Company in East London, please leave your email address in the comments or email benji@gingerfood.co.za. No obligation, we are all just trying to find a way how we can make a difference in our town.
Follow The Character Company on Facebook.

For Baby Lee.
Who crossed our path only once, but changed its direction forever.