When things are not so great…

Some days are not great. Today is one. But time does not wait for better days, life goes on and I sure want this life to be great! I’ve been taking a bit of time here and there to work on this idea since the beginning of the year and here we are in May already! A lot of stalling and putting it off for another day… Waiting for things to be perfect, waiting to feel more confident about sharing my thoughts. But maybe it isn’t a bad thing that I’m feeling angry and uninspired today, it might just help me relay better how and why this blog was born…

I decided on 1 Jan 2019 that I needed to make it great. No it wasn’t the euphoria of a new year, the new beginnings, new opportunities blah. No. It was because 2018 was terrible. So was 2017, 2016 and 2015 as well. 2014 maybe even more so. When I opened my eyes on new year’s day I expected to have the ‘new year clean slate’ feeling. I didn’t. Nothing changed, it was still not great, I was exhausted, and I cried. Great way to start the year.

Something must have sparked a memory from just a month before. We had a meal at a restaurant with family. While the rest of the family were disappointed, Benj and I LOVED EVERY MOMENT. The food was ok, service not the best, seating uncomfortable, kids were moaning, but we were smiling. My dad made this comment afterwards that I remembered again on New Year’s Day.

“Even when something is not great, you and Benji will always make the best of it.”

(To be fair, for me it wasn’t difficult to make the best of it… I was in my absolute favourite place, doing what I love most, at my favourite time of year, with my favourite people)

Meet me

True South African, born and bred in the Free State. Apparently that’s what we all say when we actually come from Welkom, my hubby pointed out, and it’s true!! Next time someone gives you that answer, test it…

After 18 happy years first at St Helena Primêr and later Welkom Gimnasium, we made the big move to Johannesburg where I was to study at The Swiss Hotel School.

I took the hotel school entry test halfway through my matric year. We travelled to Johannesburg for an interview with the Rector and a tour around the facility. I will never forget how ill I felt afterwards. I had to speak English! Like, for the first time ever. We were meant to only speak English in our English classes at school but we of course never did, no matter how the teachers threatened us, that humiliation you would never put yourself through!! Nope, the Free State is not for sissies. And certainly not the place to practice your delicious English.

Studying and later working in the big city was great! I learned to speak the lingo and even landed myself a pretty awesome guy! As exciting as the bright lights may be, not seeing any of it because you are working in the hospitality industry, kind of dim those lights for you. Young, in love and freeee, we packed up our lives and left the rat race to settle in our then favourite little holiday spot, Kidd’s Beach. Because who doesn’t want to live in a holiday resort? Now, we’ve all heard that our brains only really develop fully by the age of 25 right?… So not thinking further than wanting to be together forever, and not considering the consequences of leaving promising careers behind in the city of gold, could be forgiven I guess…

Life in Kidd’s Beach was great. Yes we missed our Gauteng family and friends, the restaurants, theatre, the shops, oh the shops. But we carved out a new, more outdoorsy kind of life with awesome friends, a busy social life and a healthy active lifestyle that’s probably still the envy of our concrete jungle peers…
We got married, bought a house, added 2 kids to the mix and everything was going swimmingly…
But twelve years after moving to the Eastern Cape, in 2014, Benji was retrenched.

My reality

In our extended circle of friends, Benji is one of 6 husbands that had to go through this horrid experience. Our generation of friends grew up with dads who had successful careers. Who worked hard to take the family on annual holidays – often more than just annually. Dads who built up a handsome little pension fund to take care of later years. This has not been the reality for us or our friends who have been through the same and who have had to start again. Were we in Gauteng, maybe we would have been able to pick up where we left off in the industry. But we weren’t. We had to stay in the Eastern Cape and try make things great again.

Five years later. A lot has happened, a lot has been achieved, a lot has been lost, a lot has been gained. But five years of acute stress had also taken its toll. Because if we think stress wreaks havoc in our body, we’re right, but more so, I think we have no idea just how much damage it is actually doing to our physical and mental health. I suffered from burnout when I did not even know burnout was a thing. We use the term very loosely when we feel ‘burnt out’. A hard pill to swallow for someone who won’t even admit when she’s feeling tired! Always work work work. It sets you back a few months, in some cases even a few years. I look forward to sharing at a later stage a bit more about all the advice I got, and what worked but also what didn’t work. Because a year and a half later, after thinking I was managing fine, I suddenly felt things starting to unravel again. This past December was insanely busy at work, but good. I was mostly on a happy ‘work high’. It was only in our short Christmas break, when it was time to switch off and recuperate, that in stead of enjoying the few days off, I spent it crying, exhausted and in constant physical pain.

I was furious. Back to square one with the burnout. Still working hard. Still not able to take more than the odd long weekend ‘holiday’. Still not able to change my lifestyle, as three medical professionals suggested was the only remedy. Still stressed. And resenting the life choices that put me in this situation.

…I think this may be a trait. It’s in my genes maybe. My star sign perhaps? I’m Aries. And a ginger to top it. Okay maybe it’s the hair. It’s definitely the hair. I get angry.

My fight

After my New Years pity party, I dried my tears and got angry. Fantastic husband and kids, award winning business, nice little house (ok no proverbial picket fence but an awesome view), all the talent, all the potential, but still all the stress. And more.

I had to admit to myself. Life is not great. Not for me, probably not for you either, and definitely not for that friend who seemingly have it all.

Our country is not great. It hasn’t been for a while. We had big dreams, but nope. Still not. Your country, if different to mine, is probably also not that great even though we all think it must be.

Our town East London is not great. Oh especially our town. Is. Not. Great. The litter, the zoo, the potholes, the lawlessness. It is quite upsetting to see. Thank goodness for some of the great people in this town who work tirelessly to try make it better. Hoping my dream to ‘make it great’ will add just a little bit of value to their good work.

What a horrible state of ‘unGREATness’ (and ungratefulness for that matter) to find oneself in. I’ve always been a positive person. I love creating, I love writing, I love beautiful food, I love tradition, I love celebrating people, places and things, and I love making memories. In short, I love making things great. I always have. Realising this about myself, and the memory of what my dad said to me that I hold so dear, gave me the answer I was looking for.

For things to be great, I will have to make it great.

This is not a motivational blog. Nor is it a how-to or a self-help. It is a place of accountability where I promise myself, and those around me, that I will always try make things great. I am also of hope that, along the way, this platform will allow me to meet fellow great-makers who will pledge greatness with me. And that we will learn from each other, because by God, we need to make this life great!

So I’m going for this, I’m putting a brave cap on (maybe pulling it down over my eyes a bit) but I’m putting myself out there. Because I believe that there are more people around me feeling the way I do. Stressed to the point of giving up, but then we don’t. We get angry and we fight back. The quote on a friend’s black board sums it up for me. How I spend my days, is how I spend my life. I believe that by making the small things great daily, the big things, and life, will follow.